I was on nypl.org recently and the picture they chose for the research guides section made me laugh.
ok, now how do I get to pigtails round asses.com?
Many times when I’m watching the credits roll for something I just saw I’ll see twenty-five names under the heading “Stunts” and not recall a single stunt in the entire thing.
When did this happen in the show?
Using a clean word and making it sound dirty is one of the sitcom’s most clever devices. My favorite new one is describing someone as a “blowhole”, which I heard on CBS’s “Big Bang Theory”. Of course when used to describe the respiratory organ of a dolphin or whale, this word is completely clean. But when describing someone you don’t like, “blowhole” borrows from two other words (which I’m sure you can figure out) without being either of those things. Genius! And there is no way censors can delete this word unless they want to spend a lot of extra time going through footage on Discovery. Well done.
There’s something gross about opening a Netflix and taking out an old, dirty movie sleeve. Some of them are pretty ****ing disgusting. There’s dark smears all over them and the corners are just wrinkled up curves. I want to use tongs but I know I have to handle the sleeves eventually. It’s frightening to imagine the last 20 places this thing may have been. What was it laying on? What was on top of it …or even inside? The last sleeve I received for the movie “Mafioso” was definitely repurposed as a coaster. Other people who’ve had it might not have been as sophisticated, and that scares me.
Last week my wife and I were reminiscing about grade school, classmates we’ve lost touch with (impossible these days) and goofy classroom projects we had to do as kids.
She remembered something I haven’t thought about since maybe the third grade: that awful science activity where we had to taste random substances and try to identify them. I was so blown away when my wife recalled one of the mystery items was soap. I remember that! It was white and flaky. I put it on my tongue and wrote down “#8) soap.”
Since she was in Miami and I did the same experiment in Buffalo NY, I assume this was a very common project at the time. Going out on a limb here: can we say this is no longer done? I can imagine overprotective parents reaching for their cell phones, “You ate WHAT?!” But, we didn’t think anything of it. We never thought anything of anything.
Last night I watched the movie “Milk” where Sean Penn portrays Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man elected to major public office. There is a scene where Harvey is about to address a crowd of thousands, outdoors on a beautiful California day.
Just before taking the stage, one of Milk’s colleagues hands him a postcard and says, “This came in the mail today.” The postcard reads, “You get the first bullet the minute you stand at the microphone.” This got my heart pouding. Feeling as though he had no choice, Harvey strides to the mic, stands firm and delivers a bold, impassioned speech about who he is, what he believes in and his vision for society. The scene contains riveting shots from Harvey’s point of view. He looks out over a sea of people, close by buildings and homemade signs. I was sweating slightly by now, trying to imagine what it would be like to be in that situation. The courage, conviction and faith Harvey Milk had in what he was doing and saying seemed to vastly outweigh any fear.
I almost laughed out loud when I realized that for a comedian to be nervous before a comedy show seemed quite silly. Compared to what Milk did, the psychological unease I sometimes feel before going on seems insignificant. If a man can do what he did while fearing for his life, I can certainly be confident in my “jokes” and work through a bit of self-doubt. Thank you Harvey Milk and Sean Penn.
This blog post is an apology to my blog itself.
Dear Blog, I’m sorry you’ve been overlooked lately. We’ve had a few additions to the family lately as you know, namely Facebook and Twitter. In the realm of people reading up on me and what I’m up to I am sorry to say this but you’re kind of outdated. That must have been difficult to hear. I will pay more attention to you in the future, I promise. I’m sorry I have to go now. No, it’s not for that, stop crying. Oh Jesus Blog you’re high maintenance.
An Iraqi reporter threw both of his shoes at President George Bush yesterday, which was genius. By throwing both shoes he can claim they were a gift.
Hello Blog readers. Occasionally I like to take ideas I’ve jotted down on paper and type them out.
I saw a TV commercial for brake pads, apparently for consumers ready to purchase some but undecided on a brand. I want to see more commercials for stuff I would never buy EVER like a hot air balloon, or a spinning jenny.
If I’m at a party and I’m wearing the same shirt as someone else, that’s embarrassing. But if I have the same shirt at home I’ll tell everybody. That makes no sense.
My wife doesn’t understand that if you’re on a bowling team, you’re supposed to high five everyone after every frame no matter what.
I want to learn Spanish just so I can follow those amazing soap operas.
Why do you want me to stop biting my nails? I’m not giving you second-hand cuticle damage. Quitting the nail-biting is very difficult because every day there are ten new chances to blow it. (actually twenty).
I can tell my wife didn’t have brothers or sisters growing up because she tried to scare me the other day by saying “BOO!” I’m like “Boo? Really? You gotta do better than that.”
As a guest in someone’s home I rarely judge. But one time my host came in with a huge bowl of popcorn in one hand and two beers in the other, and he was chewing as he walked over to me. I knew there was no way he could have gotten popcorn in his mouth without doing that hands-free maneuver of poking your tongue into the popcorn and eating what sticks to it. Gross.
If laughter is contagious, I’ve had audiences who were definitely vaccinated.
Describe my comedy style? A cross between Andy Kindler and Dane Cook.
Friends love to tell me how human-like their pets are. “Look at her, she’s so human!” If you like that so much, why not hang out with people?
Surely you’ve heard the tragic story of the Wal-Mart employee who was trampled to death when the store ‘opened’ it’s doors on Black Friday. Actually the door were broken off the hinges. I think the police should locate the credit card receipts of the first fifty assholes who paid for anything that day and charge them with manslaughter. This is a sickening society sometimes.
